Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
