I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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