I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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