Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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