I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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