Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
