no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
