It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
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