i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
