I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
