The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
