Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
