Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Nicole vs. Life
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
