I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
