please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
