we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
