Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize