Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
