i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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