fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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