kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Terrible idea I love it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
