John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
They took my balls.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
