Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
