he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
