this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
