My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
