i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
