I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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