Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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