after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize