I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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