Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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