batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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