dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize