I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
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