Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
