The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i used baking grease as lip gloss
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
