McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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