I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
