my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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