why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
last night I used snow as a chaser
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