did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
