FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
