You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize