Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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