Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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