someone get that fucking seahorse.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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