Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
