just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize