In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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