I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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