My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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