Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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