does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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