Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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