if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
