i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
