can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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