i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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