fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
