It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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