Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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