Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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