Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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