God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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