he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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