My underwear smells like fireworks.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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