i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
