it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
